Jennifer Aniston Can't Lose

We've all done things when we were younger that we aren't proud of. Many of us, if we had access to one of various time machines, would want to go back and beat some sense into our younger selves (of course, assuming the physics of Timecop are not in place so that contact with your old self won't end with you(s) fusing into an exploding blob). This feeling must be even more acute and painful for actors and actresses who take any and all parts early in their careers only to have those choices come back to haunt them.

Take George Clooney for example. Cat's on fire at the moment, but the television road before ER was a bit rocky. Before landing anything solid he had cameos on Golden Girls, Street Hawk (the motorcycle version of Knight Rider), and some show named Crazy Like a Fox. He also be traced back to recurring roles on The Facts of Life, Roseanne, and most baffling: a 1984 show called E/R about a Chicago hospital in which he played a dude named Ace. At least he didn't sign on for The Facts of Life Go to Paris, The Facts of Life Go Down Under, or even the attempt at a Blair spin-off "The Fact of Life: The Beginning of the Beginning" starring Juliette Lewis and the as-yet-to-be-Blossom Mayim Bialik.

Then there's Jennifer Aniston. Before there was Vinnifer or Braniston or even her role in the first Leprechaun movie (Leprechauniston? Jennichaun?) there was Bueller. Ferris Bueller. Wait, wait... not that Ferris Bueller, this Ferris Bueller. The television version. Taking place 4 years after the movie, NBC's show was a pale comparison with entirely different cast that was somewhat self conscious of the movie's existence. Jennifer takes on the role of pre-nose job Jennifer Grey's Jeannie Bueller, Ferris' jealous, scheming, and apparently kickboxing proficient sister. The show bombed and failed to finish a full season. Whether the failure was due to the show being a steaming pile, the audience's failure to accept an entirely new cast, or Jennifer herself is unknown. However, the one sure thing was that simultaneously airing was FOX's funnier and more charming Bueller-biting show Parker Lewis Can't Lose, headed by Corin Nemec of recent Mansquito fame. Parker trounced Ferris and went on to 3 glorious seasons. As we all know, Jennifer Aniston landed on her feet thanks to later appearances on Herman's Head.

The most unfortunate thing about all this is not the poor choices or the bad television that existed, but the fact that Parker Lewis Can't Lose is not on dvd. If anyone has any information about a future release date, let me know. I need to synchronize my Swatch.