Lists

1. Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

2. E.E. Cummings

3. Emily Dickinson

4. Ezra Pound

5. Margaret Atwood

6. Thomas Hardy

7. Kingsley Anus

Well, maybe not the last one. Which other authors/poets/respected academians have names that make you snicker immaturely?

You know it the moment you see them on your backlit screen: that celebrity probably has a deviant sex life. Some of them are just too obvious; others maybe not. I have compiled a list of a few of the more striking candidates, paired with their –philia of note. Now just kick back and let the headlines roll in...(click “read more” down there to see the full list).

We're equal opportunity (?) here at Cosmodrome - and since the first edition of Celebrity Gaydar featured mostly black celebrities, here's Volume 1.5:

Like George Clooney, I'm a Liberal. There, I said it! With a capital L! But I also Love the show 24, with a capital L.

How could this be? Have we entered yet another chapter in the book of the hypocrisy of me that is neverending?

If one in twenty people is gay, and (based on my very rigorously researched generalization) gays (particularly gay men) are better, or at least think they are better, at entertainment, then, um... you know.

This will be updated soon. Parentheticals indicate most likely future life-partner. Please send your suggestions, especially for the "to be determined" true loves.

Has any television show or movie ever cursed the film prospects of actors the way Saved by the Bell has? Can you imagine anyone involved in the show doing anything but living in the Indiana/California high school known as Bayside? No. You can't.

We'll grant Tiffani(-Amber) Thiessen some cred for vamping it up as Valerie Malone on 90210, and Liz Berkley, no one's faulting you for trying to shake off your SBTB image. M-P Gosselar & Mario Lopez, as much as you blew us away with NYPD and Pacific Blues, respectively, Dead Man on Campus and Breaking the Surface: The Greg Louganis Story are one thing: awful.com/horrible. Lark Voorhies - you got engaged to Martin Lawrence and still couldn't even get into one of his mediocre movies! As for Dustin Diamond, we'll let him off the hook this time. [Of the series' stars, only Dennis Haskins managed to do anything of note - and that was sit next to me at the coffee shop in the South Bend (IN) airport. Unfortunately, people tell me this doesn't count as a "movie".]

7. Frog
- When I saw the tiny hand coming out of the serving dish, I realized I was not, in fact, eating "chicken in fish sauce."

6. Intestines
- Don't believe them when they say "It's squash. Or eggplant. What? Just eat it."

5. Snake
- I was told this was eel , but it didn't taste sweet or tender. It was more rubbery, a lot less fishy, and made me feel sinful.

5. Stephen Holden, The New York Times:

"Mr. Ledger magically and mysteriously disappears beneath the skin of his lean, sinewy character. It is a great screen performance, as good as the best of Marlon Brando and Sean Penn."

I guess this means we are going to have to sit through a whole new generation of actors who think that they can evoke Brando by being incoherent.

4. Armond White, New York Press:

"Of all the films about American heroism, the dullest are those paeans to the integrity of television and journalism: All the President's Men, Quiz Show, The Insider and now Good Night, and Good Luck."

Things I Will Not Do Again

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6. Drink bottled water purchased from a suspicious man, suspiciously close to the river
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Things I Will Not Do Under Any Circumstances

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4. Consent to receiving a 'milky bath' from anyone, even if they are a certified massage professional
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10. The Ten Commandments

Why you keep watching: It's a big vanity project about Moses, starring the whitest actor ever as Moses, shown annually in prime time on network television for eternity.

Also:

The Taglines: "The Greatest Event in Motion Picture History" OR "It would take more than a man to lead the slaves from bondage. It would take a God."